Ten on Tuesday

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Tuesday

I can't do my ten today.  I am too sad.  A friend of mine lost her 3 month old baby today in a freak accident.  My heart is aching for her and her family.  She was the person who sold our birdhouse and was pregnant with this sweet baby as she helped us search for a new place to call home. Our grandparents were best friends and I have always thought of her like a cousin.  I have cried until I can't cry anymore.  I have begged and wept. My head aches and my heart aches.  There is nothing I can say.  I know that God is sovereign but that doesn't mean life is without pain and that's a hard pill to swallow when a baby dies.  All we have is prayer. 

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 

Ten on Tuesday

1.  This is what you call a third baby.  We leave the house 30 minutes before Jay and Emory get out of school in order to secure a place at the front of the carpool line.  The other benefit is that Packy naps 4 out of 5 days in the car.  He really didn't take naps last year but I think going to school everyday wears him out.  He actually looks forward to getting in the car and he is usually asleep before I have gone a mile.  (In the picture above we are actually parked.)  Packy was never allowed to nap in his crib.  I would literally pick him up, sound asleep, from his crib and put him in his car seat, in order to pick up Jay and Emory from preschool. 
2.  Plan the action, don't plan the results.  This is the response to someone having a hard time staying in today.  I can't just stay in the present, I have to plan for the future.  Yes you can plan what action you need to take but worrying about the results is where the problem begins.
3. "People who are tall but are still kids are called teenagers." -Packy age 4 after the football game Friday night.  They are still kids, but they don't know that.  They think they are so grown up.
5. This is the beauty of Emory's homework including reading aloud for at least 5 minutes a day:

It makes me so happy to see this.

6.  How do you feel about changing seasons?  I love the weather.  I get totally overwhelmed switching out closets and clothes for not only me but my three children.  Totally overwhelmed. 

7.   A couple of weeks ago we studied Matthew 16.  The main point is looking to the past to see Jesus' faithfulness and to apply it to my present situation.  Jesus was telling the disciples to remember how he fed the thousands when they were worried because they forgot to bring some bread on their boat trip.  When I look at how he has delivered me from my past how can I be worried that he won't take care of my future?

8.  Want to know what it looks like to be told you will not get any juice or snacks until you eat some actual food?

9.  Betsy called on Saturday while mom and I were in the car together.  She sounded frazzled and wanted to know if you ever got caught up enough to do the things you want to do.  Our answer, in unison, was NOPE.  And if you did actually get caught up one day with time to spare, you'd be so tired that you would go right to bed.

10.  So here is an update on my make up story.  I went back and forth in my head all day.  By the end of the day I didn't even like how I looked.  So made up that I was starting to crack. Literally. I didn't even touch the bag with all my carefully wrapped products.  I figured out that I was trying to be somebody else and that it wasn't me.  Now, I love make up and products, don't get me wrong.  It wasn't the make up that was the problem.  It was what I was trying to achieve by throwing money at something. I took everything back and went to a less prestigious counter and bought some new lip gloss and blush.  I felt relieved and happy.  Make up can't make me happy.  Lesson learned (for this week).

11.  I am really into walnuts.  By "into walnuts" I mean I am putting them on my ice cream and in my cookies.

Ten on Tuesday

1.  Pirate Pac is really enjoying school.
2.  So, I had the best Labor Day.  I went to the movies by myself and saw the last Harry Potter.  I am a huge fan of the Harry Potter books.  My name was always the first one on the library hold list and as soon as I got the book in my hands I blocked out life for a few days and did nothing but read.  (I tend to be obsessive about things.) I actually called Jason's mom and asked her to watch the kids so I could finish the last book and return to my actual life.  I have not been into the movies as much but I knew I wanted to see the last one at the theatre and I am so glad I did.  It was awesome.   I did whisper to a little girl to shut up but it was totally justified.  She was seeing a different movie and came to "visit" her sister who was sitting behind me.  She was talking and talking during a very important and quiet scene so I shhhh'd and snapped my finger at her. Kept talking.  I shhhh'd again and still more talking.  So I quietly, but sternly, whispered SHUT UP.  No more talking.  Look, little girl, I paid $11 to see this IMAX movie and I want to hear every word Harry Potter and Dumbledore have to say. (I did know that no adult was sitting with them before I took matters to this level.) 
3.  When I got home from the movies, I made some gumbo.  Sausage and chicken, no okra.  We had a family come over and they brought homemade pizza for the kids.  I love having people in our home.  Jason has to have a gentle nudge to have people over.  He likes it once they are here, but the anticipation makes him a bit squirrely.  (Squirrely is a word I use often.)
4.  I really missed Betsy and the girls the other day.  It's hard to adjust to life without seeing them every day.  When she is struggling it makes it even harder.  With a first grader, a three year old (oh Josie), and a crawling 6 month old in the city, she can have some stressful days.  Today she bought a washer, dryer, and an ice maker.  I could not be more excited for her.  She will no longer have to drag everyone down two different elevators to get to the basement where the laundry room is, only to discover all of the dryers are broken.  Yea Betsy! 
5. Jay just found a tick in his belly button.  Gross.  Country living at its finest.  He found it because he was doing his homework shirtless.  Always without a shirt.
6.  Today I got a makeover.  I went to the mall without make up and let the professional show me the latest look.  I was having an ugly day.  All girls have them.  I just needed a change and I wanted some make up to make me feel better.  After the makeover I came home to surprise Jason with my new look.  He said he liked my old look.  He wasn't being mean.  Jason has never been a big make up guy (he always hated prom hair and make up).  So, my plan is to take it all back (after the lady who did my makeover gets off work) and maybe just try some new lip gloss.  The thrill is gone.
7.  My mom always said yes.   I always said no.  Now, I know there is a balance.  I said yes to one thing and no to another at my church this week.  It's OK to say no. Did you know that?  God has called me to some things and not to do other things.  If I try to do things he has not called me to do, just because I feel like I should say yes to anything "good", then I will be exhausted and resentful.  We all have different gifts.  Going outside of my gifts is a strain on me and my family. 
8.  The light that shines the farthest, shines the brightest at home.  Isn't that beautiful?  This is one of  my Pastor's favorite quotes. It reminds me when I am deciding about an activity that my main mission is my home. If I could draw a concentric circle graph right now it would have God in the middle, then spouse and family, then church, and THEN the other stuff.  When I have the light shining bright at home it spreads out from my family and into the world.
9. Some people I know went to jail last week.  Their addiction led them to stealing which led them to jail.  People in 12 step meetings often talk about hitting their bottom and how remembering it helps them to stay sober.  I think this is very true but I also know you can find a lower bottom if you want to.  In the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it tells a story where someone is questioning their bottom and the answer is "You hit bottom when you stop digging."  My bottom was lots of things but the hardest part was becoming so emotionally numb that I could not love my children.  I never went to jail, got a DUI, or stole anything (actually, I did steal but that is another story) but I could always find a lower bottom if I started digging again. 
10.  The last pool day.

Ten on Tuesday

1.  This weekend kicks off football season.  I like football. I am not the girl that knows all the players names and stats and tries to hang with the guys.  You know that girl.  I like to watch it but if there is a marathon of something on Bravo then I am just as tempted to watch that.  Jason is a big Georgia fan and I graduated from Auburn.  This leads me to the Falcons.  I just prefer to watch the NFL.
2.  What I do not like to watch on TV is baseball.  We were watching Little League last week and that's fun.  I love to read how tall and giant those 11 year old boys are and the random facts they put up about them.  MLB is just not enough to keep my interest and I have two problems with it.  The first is the fact that the coaches wear the uniforms. Really?  It just looks silly.  Basketball coaches wear suits and football coaches wear khakis.  Why do baseball coaches wear the entire uniform?  And I find the signals ridiculous.  The signs between the catcher, pitcher, and coach just look dumb. My husband has tried to explain to me the importance of all the face touching but I just don't get it.  Isn't there another way? Jason loves baseball and this is totally just my opinion.
3.  Packy started 4K this year so this means he has to start coming to "big church" and sitting with us until it's time for the children to leave and go to "children's church".  The problem is that this started the month Jason is ushering so I have all the kids by myself.  Packy has done great for the most part but I did carry him out this past week with my hand over his mouth and plopped him down in front of his dad.  Quick talk with dad and he was great the rest of the service.  Sundays are hard.  I feel like Satan gives it everything he's got on Sunday.  Monday morning at the gym was filled with stories of how hard church was.  Some of the biggest fights I remember my parents having were before church (usually involving my dad polishing our English sandals with white polish).  By the way, I have no answer for this.  It's just hard.

4.  Packy's family night was Sunday night.  He wanted to have chicken, broccoli, and potatoes for the adults (?).  He iced Mario cupcakes all by himself.  For his games he wanted to go outside and play freeze tag, ladder ball, and a game similar to Bocce where we throw a small ball and everyone has to see how close they can roll or throw their ball to it (I dominated this game).  (Mario and Luigi cupcakes.  Yummy Ina frosting.  Nasty Pilsbury gel icing.)

5.  I love to set really high goals for myself so I can miserably fail.  Used to.  These are some of the actual goals I have actually written down and drove myself crazy trying to achieve.

• Keep my house guest ready at all times. 
• Not to go anywhere unless I was completely fixed up.  
• Go to the car wash every week and have it completely clean for carpool.

Why would I do that to myself?  Trying to reach the unattainable and putting my worth in appearances.  That was the past.  If I am always worried about how my house looks, I will never use it for the fellowship that God wants me to have in it.  If I am so concerned about being fixed up (and if you know me that is laughable because I hate getting dressed) then I will miss opportunities to share with people.  The car goal is just dumb.  Who has that kind of time?  Now I clean it out when I get gas and that's good enough.

6.  I have a child who has become annoying lately.  Sometimes they aren't doing anything wrong but since it's getting on my nerves I want to punish them.  So I struggle with patience.  What else is new?

7.  Melted crayon art.  Hair dryer, creme brulee blow torch, lighters, and matches.  (Just to be clear, I made this, not the kids.)

8.  In the past two years I have switched my children to a new school, changed churches, and moved.  I am very happy with all of those changes but I miss the people I used to see on a regular basis.  I know life is all about seasons and that I am in a busy season with small kids.  I am so grateful for the women who are in my life right now organically.  I don't have to make a huge effort to see them and they are amazing.  I used to see a different group of people all of the time and now I don't.  I just wanted to say that I miss those people.  If I were better about planning I would schedule some coffee dates but I usually get about one of those a year. Remember what they taught us in Brownies?

Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.

(I must admit that when I was little I always felt bad for the silver friends.)

9.  I know it's Wednesday. 

10.  If you didn't read this on my Facebook, please read it now.  It's so good.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903596904576516753267688990.html?fb_ref=wsj_share_FB&fb_source=profile_multiline

Ten on Tuesday

(I don't know what Packy is doing.)

1.  My house is quiet.  I am supposed to be at the gym but we had a rough start this morning so Jason took the kids to school.  I was being blamed for getting the kids up too early, when I actually let them sleep 10 minutes longer than usual.  I was being blamed for making them take their lunch when it is bacon cheeseburger day, when actually it was their dad who decided two days a week of a healthy home lunch would be better.  Sometimes they act like I do everything wrong and it hurts my feelings.  I know they don't understand what I do for them.  I did not understand what my parents did for me.  It still hurts my feelings.

2.  Packy came in our room the other night in a sleepwalking daze.  I pretended to be asleep (so I didn't have to get up) and watched Jason pick him up in his too small Superman pajamas, complete with cape.  He sat on the bed with him in his arms for a few minutes and I about lost it.  Something about a sleepy baby in Superman pajamas and a sweet daddy snuggling for a few minutes. 

3.   I would like to thank (blame) Katy D. for my latest iPhone addiction, Words with Friends.  Who knew playing scrabble could be so fun?  Jason is playing too and we play each other all during the day.  We also play at night while I am upstairs in the bed and he is downstairs on the couch.  That sounds sad doesn't it?

4.  Emory's turn to plan family night was Saturday.  She picked Domino's thin crust pizza and made a chocolate cake with blue and green icing.  For her games she chose Twister and then wii Just Dance 2.  It was a lot of fun.  Jay did not participate in the dancing but I made up for it by dancing as much as she would allow me to.  She was a little bummed when I scored more points than her on Toxic.  I had to tell her that she should never challenge me on anything that includes Britney Spears.  I will win. every. single. time.    (Pictures below: Jason and Emory doing Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, and Packy doing The Monster Mash)

5.  I have never seen Britney Spears.  I had tickets to see her. I checked in to rehab that day. 

6.  Did you see Emory's black on black tennis shoes?  I sent a first day of school picture to Betsy and she asked me if Emory was working at Bennigan's after school.  They are ugly.  I like ugly tennis shoes so I am totally with her and glad that she has the confidence to pull them off. 

7.  Jason and Jay spent a few hours shoveling mulch at the church Saturday morning.  There was a giant truckload delivered and the volunteers shoveled it into wheelbarrows and took it to the playgrounds and flower beds where it was raked out. Jason told Jay on the way to the church (at 8:15 am) that at our old church we would have just payed someone to do it.  He explained that at a small church people have to help out more but that it was a good thing to serve the church.  Jay added that they were also serving the Lord by working at the church. Did you hear the angels sing?  I love it when they connect something without me having to tell (beat it into) them. Jason also said that Jay worked really hard and did not complain. Angels again.

8.  Does anyone even look at this on Tuesday or do you just wait until Wednesday? 

9.  American Flag Churchwell, Jellybean, and Hiccup are still alive and in Macon.  Mimi actually kept those hermit crabs alive after we left them (on purpose) at Tybee.  Packy's class from last year is studying hermit crabs so he is letting them borrow for the week.  Little do they know.  Miss Dana has three new class pets. 

10.  So the mommy guilt has been creeping back in.  I totally set myself up for it.  When I am trying to be the BEST mom, BEST wife, BEST friend, then at the end of the day I only see the ways that I have failed in each of those areas.  When I miss God's calling to serve in each of those areas and make it about what I am doing then I put the focus on me.  The focus on me is always the wrong place for the focus.  It only leads to guilt and frustration.  I can still review my day and see areas where I could have served with a better attitude, or given grace to a child instead of whatever it is I give them, but I don't have to be weighed down with guilt.  The good news is that if I don't wake up in heaven, I have another day to love and serve. (My editor, Betsy, said that was morbid I think you get the point, right?)

Ten on Tuesday

1.  That kid is still trying to break my heart.  He is so smart.  He thinks if he wakes up and ignores the uniform sitting on his dresser and puts on his play clothes that school won't happen.  It happens.  Today he told me that everyday is too many days for him to go (with tears).  Last year he only went two days so I was expecting five to be hard.  By the time we got to the drop off line he was fine.  Donuts were the snack today so that sealed the deal.  He just likes to tug my heart strings.

2.  Yesterday he wore his shorts to school backwards and no one noticed.  Jason picked him up and took him to Chik-fil-A.  Still did not notice.  When they got home, I noticed.  Of course I didn't make him take them off and put them on the right way.  We were half way thru the day so really, what would be the point?

It would just make him mad.  He is a third child and sometimes things happen. 

3.  I saw someone who had relapsed recently.  You can see it in their eyes.  Now I am no expert and certainly no judge, but I can tell when the light I saw come on when someone got sober is now gone from their eyes. My mom told me this summer that when I was actively using she felt like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. Remember how he had the picture of his family and they were slowly fading away?  She said that she felt like she was watching me fade away.  I have just started to really explore how my parents felt as they watched me over the years make decisions that hurt myself and my family.  I don't think I could even allow myself to go there when I first got sober.  It was too much for me to process. When you are sick, you think you are only hurting yourself.  When you start to realize how it impacted others, it is really, really hard.  My mom and I had a "moment" as I started to realize what she went through as a mom.  (Love you Mom.)

4.  I am slowly getting back into my routines.  Alarm clock is going off at 5:45 so that I can have my quiet time. I am back at the gym (and insanely sore) and back at meetings. Lunch is the hardest.  I hate lunch and I am totally back to eating cereal.  Lunch gets on my nerves.

5.  I read The Help this summer and went to see the movie this weekend.  It was really good.  Different from the book in some ways,  but still good.  Tears good.  Minnie, Mae Mobley, and Constantine were my favorite people.  I did not grow up with help,  but I did have a babysitter that I loved.  Her name was Wilma and she let me eat mustard sandwiches and make my own chocolate milk (and I used way too much Quik). She took off her wig and took out her teeth when she ironed.  Wilma was also a hoarder.  Way before TLC introduced me to the world of extreme hoarding, I went to Wilma's house and had to follow the narrow path to get anywhere in between stacks of boxes that reached the ceiling.  (I'll have to ask my mom if they actually went to the ceiling.  I was young and short, but that is the picture in my head.)

6.  We had our first official family night on Saturday night.  It's was Jay's night so he got to pick the dinner, make the dessert, and pick the games.  We had pizza, Jay's sundae (crushed Oreos, vanilla ice cream, butterscotch and chocolate syrup), and we played wii bowling and tennis.  It was a hit and everyone had fun until all the wii remotes died and we had no more batteries.  (Ugh.  Battery sucking remotes!)  We also started having a high/low discussion at dinner.  Each night everyone tells the best thing that happened during the day and the worst thing that happened.  It's quite interesting to hear their perspective of their day.  We discovered that if Packy doesn't go first that he copies the person that just went.  Good discussion starter.

7.  She is sooo me.  I won't explain.  Not today.

8. I have officially worn flip-flops too long.  My feet hurt.  The deep kind of hurt.  I have started wearing tennis shoes with outfits that I shouldn't wear tennis shoes with.  In other words, once again, I am becoming my mother.  After years of making fun of my mom's orthopedic, Skecher tennis shoes, I am now eating my words.  I want to get a pedicure and tell the lady she doesn't have to touch my toes.  Just rub my feet.  (I am also becoming my grandmother.  She often burned herself while cooking and now I am carrying on the tradition.  New scars but remember this...scars are tattoos with better stories.)

9.  People are reading in our house and I love it.  I bought a milk crate during my reorganization project and filled it with library books for Packy.  After school we sit on the couch and read.  Emory and I are still working on Black Beauty and she started reading Little House in the Big Woods and loves it.  She is just like her Aunt Betsy (who played Laura Ingalls after school until about the 9th grade).  Jay is even reading without grumbling.  Even reading out loud.  Jason is not reading.   

10. I felt fall for a few seconds this morning.  Did you feel it?  It makes me so happy.