1. I have hit the third week wall. Hard. Everything I try to teach my children about self-control, using kind words, and being gentle, has been thrown out the window. It's so hard to teach your children not to yell at each other as you are screaming at them. I miss my house. I miss my Kroger. I miss my church. I miss my gym. I miss the little room. I miss my friends. Most of all, I miss Jason. I hate to complain at the beach, but I am a routine girl and I miss my routine. Too much ice cream makes your stomach hurt right? (Please don't tell Ann Voskamp that I am whining. I will get on my 1000 things as soon as I can.)
2. So, sometimes I have situational depression. I think everyone does at times. I thought at one point I suffered from clinical depression but my addiction doctor told me I don't. He said, "Payton, if you will quit doing things that make you depressed, then you won't be depressed." Easy right? But I can get depressed quickly over my parenting screw ups (and other overwhelming life situations). The guilt after screaming at a child comes fast and hard. I go immediately into fast forward and start thinking that I have, once again, wounded the spirit of my children. This guilt is one of Satan's biggest tools with me. He knows how I hate to feel it and how I can turn it into self-pity so fast. It makes me feel like I am stuck in the mud. In a holding pattern, not moving. I usually lie in the bed and try to take a rest, but no rest comes. This is when I start shutting down emotionally. Throw in a really tight, heavy chest and that's how my body reacts to stress and guilt. I am getting better at catching this lie and squashing it before it gets to the bed stage but this week I wallowed in it for a while.
3. Just so you don't think I am a big 'ole complainer, these are the things I am supper happy about. Getting to sleep with Packy. He is the best snuggler. He has been sleeping with Mimi (but she ran away, back to Macon for a few days, to have a vacation from her vacation, lucky her) (ran away may be too strong...took a break from the crazies would be more accurate) so I got to sleep with my baby. Back to my happy list. I love seeing Lolly first thing in the morning. She is such a happy baby and always has a big smile on her face. She also has eyes that smile. I think Tyra Banks coined the term smize and that is exactly what she does. (Ask Jason about smizing. He knows.)
(Packy is still talking.)