Monday, August 16, 2010


I used to think I didn't fear anything.  Anxiety? Yes.  Fear? No.  Now I know that I was wrong.  I fear a lot of things.  I fear death.  Jason, my kids, my parents.  Anyone close to me.  I don't fear dying because I rest in the assurance of my Saviour, but I fear my kids living without me.  I also fear getting old, crazy people that I see on TV, and other random things.  But the thing I have the most fear about is Jay.  I fear that people won't give him a chance to see the real Jay and that they will write him off.  Teachers, friends, parents.  I just want to tell them that he might act crazy and silly but he has a kind heart and he will show it to you if you give him some time.  Last year I knew his teacher from church.  I loved her before he had her but so much more after.  She loved him.  Did she discipline him when he needed it? Yes.  But she still loved him through his mistakes.  I don't know his teacher this year so I fear that she won't get him. Will she be able to love him good and bad?  His teacher from last year talked to his new teacher before school started.  She told me that she told her that he is a great kid and he will be a great student.  He just needs to trust you and know that you will still love him if he messes up.  Of course I cried.  So today as the fear creeps up I have stayed in prayer for Jay.  Thanking God for him and praying for this year.  Praying that his teacher will love him.  But most of all thanking God that He loves me good and bad.  That he loves me even when I mess up.  That I can trust Him.  I am so glad I serve and love a God that loves me through my mistakes and even uses them to make me more like His son.  No fear that I can screw up so bad that His love will go away.


Andrea said...

there is a bumper sticker i want to get for my car that is:

Love is greater than Fear.
Rest under His wing, draw near to Him and rest assured that the Lord ONLY knows the deep deep parts of Jay--even more than you, his mother. Isn't that wonderful?

payton said...

Thank you Andrea! That is wonderful. I have to constantly remind myself that Jay is God's child. What a nice reminder that the Lord knows the deep Jay even more than me. Love that.