Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Ten on Tuesday

1.  Of course I took a ton of pictures on Easter.  Lots of posed pictures.  But my favorite pictures are always the ones before and after the "pose".  This one makes me laugh.  It shows every one's personality so well.  I don't know if it translates to people who don't know these kids but to me it is perfect.
2.  Here's the posed shots.
3.  On March 6, 2009 I checked into a treatment center.  I graduated from my program and came home on June 20, 2009.  For the past 3 years I am always aware of these dates when they roll back around.  I flash back to where I was. Turning 35 in a rehab for drugs and alcohol. I remember what phase I was in my recovery.  (During this week 3 years ago, I was convincing myself that it wasn't fair that I didn't get my last big drinking party.  After telling myself that long enough, I ran away from treatment and had my last drunk.  It was really scary, but that's another story.)  Rehab was the hardest and best thing I ever did.  All that to say, if I have been talking about my addiction more lately, that's why.
4.  Sometimes I wonder if I talk about my addiction too much.  Are people sick of hearing about it?  I used to tear my stomach up worrying about the dumb stuff that I said or if I had already said the same thing to someone the last time I saw them.  Then I would medicate that uncomfortable feeling away.  Now, I really don't worry about it.  My addiction is not everything I am, but it is a big part and sometimes it's what I want to talk about it.  If it's what is on my heart, then I will blog about it, and talk about it. Again. 
5.  At the meetings I go to, they told me that acceptance is the answer to all my problems.  In order to stay sober I had to accept that I was an addict and an alcoholic.  (Sounds simple right?)  After I got that they told me to apply it to everything else in my life. 
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. (Alcoholics Anonymous, "The Big Book", page 449)
6.  Because of acceptance, today, I feel totally at peace in my own skin, something that used to make my skin crawl.  I wanted you to like me, so I tried to be what I thought you liked.  I wanted to be accepted by whatever group I was with so I put on a different mask, trying to fit in. Let me tell you that this is an exhausting way to live. It may sound like high school drama, but it's hard to feel like you don't have a place, even as an adult. It was hard because I wasn't my true self.  I can honestly say I am happy with who I am right now.  That doesn't mean I'm not trying to grow as a person (currently working on being gentle and not harsh in my words with others) but I am comfortable who I am.  I don't want to look, talk, or think like anybody else.  There is such freedom in acceptance.
7.  I really enjoyed these two articles:
*When you hit a tree, get back in the car-God Centered Mom
*How To Be a Good Mom On a Bad Day-Inspired to Action
Sometimes you need to forgive yourself and sometimes you need to plan for the worst.
8.  Like I said before, life would be easy if it weren't for relationships.  Reminding myself this week that parenting is a process and that God uses their relationships to help mold them.  Some people are learning not to be so bossy and some people are learning to include a younger sibling that just wants to be like his big brother. 
9.  The jelly beans are almost gone and I refuse to buy more.  (Why is my way of getting rid of candy to eat it all in one day instead of throwing it away? Or just not eating it?  When it comes to sweets I have absolutely zero will power.) I made the chocolate chip cookies instead of freezing cookie dough that I could eat for the next week.  My quilt is pinned and ready for me to attempt to quilt it.  We dyed eggs, hunted eggs, dyed more eggs, celebrated the risen Christ, ate a delicious lunch, watched Bubba win and cry, and went back to school.  The Birdhouse had a good week.
10.  How can anyone who watches Frozen Planet not believe God is the Creator?  There is no way that all of those animals and their intricate life patterns "just happened".  Our God is amazing.


Katy said...

I love your honesty, your openness, your pictures! So very blessed and grateful to have you in my life.

Jana (@jana0926) said...

Hey Payton. We have a ton of mutual friends and somehow in a past life we've known each other. I can't remember if it was from Midsummer Macon, living in Macon, Auburn... what. I have no clue. I just know you. :)

That to say, I love how open you are about your addiction and recovery. I sometimes wonder if I talk about losing my son too much, but then I realize that no, I don't. It's my story. It's your story. It's what makes us who we are. Don't stop talking about it. It's the way to complete healing.

I run a site called Band Back Together. The site is about reducing stigmas, talking about the things that are tucked away into dark closets. I would love to invite you to share your story. I know it will help others realize they are not alone. All the information's on bandbacktogether.com or if you want, you can email me at janasthinkingplace@me.com. Keep writing. I love your ten things each week!

Amy Davidson said...

Girl Your DA Bomb.com!! Always have been and always will be! LOVE IT!!