Ten on Tuesday

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1. So this last week has been super hard.  I never could imagine how hard it is to see someone in such intense pain.  No words.  Holding her hand and crying was all I could do.  I am so encouraged by all of the prayer and support people have been giving her.  I have heard so many people say they woke up in the middle of the night and prayed for her and her family. So many moms hurting for another mom.  People who know and love her and people who have never even heard her name, just the story.  This is the beginning of a long journey of healing.  Don't stop praying for them.
2.  I think I fell into a funk around September 9th.  I started watching the September 11th coverage and just didn't stop.  I cried at every story. From the  children who were in utero when their dads died to the people in NYC watching in horror as people took their own lives because that was the better option.  Suffering is a part of life but when it is so intense and evil it really throws me.  I think basically I have been on the edge of tears for a few weeks.  I don't feel depressed but it is hard to come to grips with pain in this life.  I love when my friend reminds me that this earth is not my home.  I am just visiting.  My home is in eternal glory with my Father.
3.  I also feel guilty that I have been in a funk.  I have never lost anyone super close to me.  I still have 3 out of four grandparents alive and my Papa died when I was 8 so it's been a long time.  I have friends who have lost parents, siblings, and children so where do I get off being in a sad mood, or "off" as Jason likes to put it?  God wants me to be joyful,  but it is a choice.   It helps to be grateful and present in my own life.  I am about seven days ahead right now and all it's doing is causing me anxiety.  Stay in today.
4.  On a lighter note.  The crabs are gone.  We started out with three.  The kids took them to the playroom and I am going to be honest and say that I try not to go up there very often.   When I did go up there I saw the crab box.  One was obviously dead.  I disposed of him and took the other two out for examination.  Somehow they were still alive.  I put them on the counter and started to clean out the cage.  After some Facebook distraction I noticed that one crab was still crawling around on the counter and one was missing.  I noticed his shell was now on the floor, but no body.  At first I thought it was suicide but with no body this could not be the case.  I searched everywhere and could never find a body.  To this day, no body.  He either escaped naked or Bogey had a snack.  The last crab standing was Hiccup and he was more than likely dead when I threw him in the trash.  I didn't do a thorough examination. 
5. The wise in heart accepts commands but a chattering fool comes to ruin. Proverbs 10:8
I have a chattering fool in my house.  She and I are constantly at odds because she can't stop talking.  Back talking.  Bothering her brothers talking.  Talking to hear herself talking. 
6. Emory is in her first school play.  She is enjoying all of the attention.  She is a towns person in Treasure Island. 
7. Sometimes I question everything.  Including this blog.  I don't like for it to be a source of stress but sometimes it is.  I want it to have purpose.  I pray over it and over the people that read it.  When I start comparing my blog to other peoples or try to make it something that it's not is where I get in trouble.  I have never wanted to "promote" my blog.  I have always felt that God will lead the people he wants to read it to the site.  The last two posts by Andrea at The Flourishing Mother and this one by Karen Russell are comforting to me.  I am not the only one who doubts what I am doing. 
8. Emory's Flat Stanley went to the Ralph Lauren fashion show during NYC Fashion Week.  Thanks Uncle Lee.

9.  I have said before that Satan uses guilt to get to me.  I was talking about this in a group the other night and we decided he either uses guilt or fear as one of his main tools to distract us from looking to our Saviour.  If he can't get us by bringing up the past, he puts fear in us about the future.  Either way we should keep our eyes on Jesus.  This quote by Maya Angelou always brings up guilt ever since I heard her say it on Oprah:  "How do you react when your child enters the room? Do your eyes light up?"  I try to think about this in the carpool line.  I actually have missed them during the day.  I can even say that my eyes light up when they get in the car.  It's the part after that.  When they start decompressing from a day at school.  They share their hurts and struggles and often times turn on me or each other.  I was taught that is called sideways emotions.  When you are hurt you act out in anger, and when you are angry you act hurt.  Today, one child was acting hurt and one was acting angry.  Both sideways.  So I try to keep that light in my eyes. 

That is a hard quote to live up to.  Every time they enter the room Maya?  I would hate to see the look on my face sometimes.

10.  I am so grateful that I am in community with other women.  I used to think I didn't need women in my life.  I was wrong.

Ten on Tuesday

I am working on it.  Keep checking back.

Tuesday

I can't do my ten today.  I am too sad.  A friend of mine lost her 3 month old baby today in a freak accident.  My heart is aching for her and her family.  She was the person who sold our birdhouse and was pregnant with this sweet baby as she helped us search for a new place to call home. Our grandparents were best friends and I have always thought of her like a cousin.  I have cried until I can't cry anymore.  I have begged and wept. My head aches and my heart aches.  There is nothing I can say.  I know that God is sovereign but that doesn't mean life is without pain and that's a hard pill to swallow when a baby dies.  All we have is prayer. 

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 

Ten on Tuesday

1.  This is what you call a third baby.  We leave the house 30 minutes before Jay and Emory get out of school in order to secure a place at the front of the carpool line.  The other benefit is that Packy naps 4 out of 5 days in the car.  He really didn't take naps last year but I think going to school everyday wears him out.  He actually looks forward to getting in the car and he is usually asleep before I have gone a mile.  (In the picture above we are actually parked.)  Packy was never allowed to nap in his crib.  I would literally pick him up, sound asleep, from his crib and put him in his car seat, in order to pick up Jay and Emory from preschool. 
2.  Plan the action, don't plan the results.  This is the response to someone having a hard time staying in today.  I can't just stay in the present, I have to plan for the future.  Yes you can plan what action you need to take but worrying about the results is where the problem begins.
3. "People who are tall but are still kids are called teenagers." -Packy age 4 after the football game Friday night.  They are still kids, but they don't know that.  They think they are so grown up.
5. This is the beauty of Emory's homework including reading aloud for at least 5 minutes a day:

It makes me so happy to see this.

6.  How do you feel about changing seasons?  I love the weather.  I get totally overwhelmed switching out closets and clothes for not only me but my three children.  Totally overwhelmed. 

7.   A couple of weeks ago we studied Matthew 16.  The main point is looking to the past to see Jesus' faithfulness and to apply it to my present situation.  Jesus was telling the disciples to remember how he fed the thousands when they were worried because they forgot to bring some bread on their boat trip.  When I look at how he has delivered me from my past how can I be worried that he won't take care of my future?

8.  Want to know what it looks like to be told you will not get any juice or snacks until you eat some actual food?

9.  Betsy called on Saturday while mom and I were in the car together.  She sounded frazzled and wanted to know if you ever got caught up enough to do the things you want to do.  Our answer, in unison, was NOPE.  And if you did actually get caught up one day with time to spare, you'd be so tired that you would go right to bed.

10.  So here is an update on my make up story.  I went back and forth in my head all day.  By the end of the day I didn't even like how I looked.  So made up that I was starting to crack. Literally. I didn't even touch the bag with all my carefully wrapped products.  I figured out that I was trying to be somebody else and that it wasn't me.  Now, I love make up and products, don't get me wrong.  It wasn't the make up that was the problem.  It was what I was trying to achieve by throwing money at something. I took everything back and went to a less prestigious counter and bought some new lip gloss and blush.  I felt relieved and happy.  Make up can't make me happy.  Lesson learned (for this week).

11.  I am really into walnuts.  By "into walnuts" I mean I am putting them on my ice cream and in my cookies.

Ten on Tuesday

1.  Pirate Pac is really enjoying school.
2.  So, I had the best Labor Day.  I went to the movies by myself and saw the last Harry Potter.  I am a huge fan of the Harry Potter books.  My name was always the first one on the library hold list and as soon as I got the book in my hands I blocked out life for a few days and did nothing but read.  (I tend to be obsessive about things.) I actually called Jason's mom and asked her to watch the kids so I could finish the last book and return to my actual life.  I have not been into the movies as much but I knew I wanted to see the last one at the theatre and I am so glad I did.  It was awesome.   I did whisper to a little girl to shut up but it was totally justified.  She was seeing a different movie and came to "visit" her sister who was sitting behind me.  She was talking and talking during a very important and quiet scene so I shhhh'd and snapped my finger at her. Kept talking.  I shhhh'd again and still more talking.  So I quietly, but sternly, whispered SHUT UP.  No more talking.  Look, little girl, I paid $11 to see this IMAX movie and I want to hear every word Harry Potter and Dumbledore have to say. (I did know that no adult was sitting with them before I took matters to this level.) 
3.  When I got home from the movies, I made some gumbo.  Sausage and chicken, no okra.  We had a family come over and they brought homemade pizza for the kids.  I love having people in our home.  Jason has to have a gentle nudge to have people over.  He likes it once they are here, but the anticipation makes him a bit squirrely.  (Squirrely is a word I use often.)
4.  I really missed Betsy and the girls the other day.  It's hard to adjust to life without seeing them every day.  When she is struggling it makes it even harder.  With a first grader, a three year old (oh Josie), and a crawling 6 month old in the city, she can have some stressful days.  Today she bought a washer, dryer, and an ice maker.  I could not be more excited for her.  She will no longer have to drag everyone down two different elevators to get to the basement where the laundry room is, only to discover all of the dryers are broken.  Yea Betsy! 
5. Jay just found a tick in his belly button.  Gross.  Country living at its finest.  He found it because he was doing his homework shirtless.  Always without a shirt.
6.  Today I got a makeover.  I went to the mall without make up and let the professional show me the latest look.  I was having an ugly day.  All girls have them.  I just needed a change and I wanted some make up to make me feel better.  After the makeover I came home to surprise Jason with my new look.  He said he liked my old look.  He wasn't being mean.  Jason has never been a big make up guy (he always hated prom hair and make up).  So, my plan is to take it all back (after the lady who did my makeover gets off work) and maybe just try some new lip gloss.  The thrill is gone.
7.  My mom always said yes.   I always said no.  Now, I know there is a balance.  I said yes to one thing and no to another at my church this week.  It's OK to say no. Did you know that?  God has called me to some things and not to do other things.  If I try to do things he has not called me to do, just because I feel like I should say yes to anything "good", then I will be exhausted and resentful.  We all have different gifts.  Going outside of my gifts is a strain on me and my family. 
8.  The light that shines the farthest, shines the brightest at home.  Isn't that beautiful?  This is one of  my Pastor's favorite quotes. It reminds me when I am deciding about an activity that my main mission is my home. If I could draw a concentric circle graph right now it would have God in the middle, then spouse and family, then church, and THEN the other stuff.  When I have the light shining bright at home it spreads out from my family and into the world.
9. Some people I know went to jail last week.  Their addiction led them to stealing which led them to jail.  People in 12 step meetings often talk about hitting their bottom and how remembering it helps them to stay sober.  I think this is very true but I also know you can find a lower bottom if you want to.  In the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it tells a story where someone is questioning their bottom and the answer is "You hit bottom when you stop digging."  My bottom was lots of things but the hardest part was becoming so emotionally numb that I could not love my children.  I never went to jail, got a DUI, or stole anything (actually, I did steal but that is another story) but I could always find a lower bottom if I started digging again. 
10.  The last pool day.