1. I have hit the third week wall. Hard. Everything I try to teach my children about self-control, using kind words, and being gentle, has been thrown out the window. It's so hard to teach your children not to yell at each other as you are screaming at them. I miss my house. I miss my Kroger. I miss my church. I miss my gym. I miss the little room. I miss my friends. Most of all, I miss Jason. I hate to complain at the beach, but I am a routine girl and I miss my routine. Too much ice cream makes your stomach hurt right? (Please don't tell Ann Voskamp that I am whining. I will get on my 1000 things as soon as I can.)
2. So, sometimes I have situational depression. I think everyone does at times. I thought at one point I suffered from clinical depression but my addiction doctor told me I don't. He said, "Payton, if you will quit doing things that make you depressed, then you won't be depressed." Easy right? But I can get depressed quickly over my parenting screw ups (and other overwhelming life situations). The guilt after screaming at a child comes fast and hard. I go immediately into fast forward and start thinking that I have, once again, wounded the spirit of my children. This guilt is one of Satan's biggest tools with me. He knows how I hate to feel it and how I can turn it into self-pity so fast. It makes me feel like I am stuck in the mud. In a holding pattern, not moving. I usually lie in the bed and try to take a rest, but no rest comes. This is when I start shutting down emotionally. Throw in a really tight, heavy chest and that's how my body reacts to stress and guilt. I am getting better at catching this lie and squashing it before it gets to the bed stage but this week I wallowed in it for a while.
3. Just so you don't think I am a big 'ole complainer, these are the things I am supper happy about. Getting to sleep with Packy. He is the best snuggler. He has been sleeping with Mimi (but she ran away, back to Macon for a few days, to have a vacation from her vacation, lucky her) (ran away may be too strong...took a break from the crazies would be more accurate) so I got to sleep with my baby. Back to my happy list. I love seeing Lolly first thing in the morning. She is such a happy baby and always has a big smile on her face. She also has eyes that smile. I think Tyra Banks coined the term smize and that is exactly what she does. (Ask Jason about smizing. He knows.)
(Packy is still talking.)
4. Even though I am ready to come home, as soon as I pack the car and drive away, I will cry. It happens every time. My heart breaks as I drive down the causeway. Ready to get back to back to my real life but sad that my village is being torn apart again.
5. Emory and I are reading Black Beauty. I read The Help this week. Love getting lost in a book.
6. Yesterday we tie-dyed shirts for everyone. This was a project that everyone enjoyed. They look really good and everyone is sporting them today. Packy put his on this morning before the sun came up. I feel a group shot coming. It's nice to find an activity where everyone can participate and have fun. One with minimal whining. (I am not even going to go into the high level of whining that we have going on here. Betsy was already worried that this post was going to be too depressing so I won't start. And the book reports. Oh, the book reports. Is FPD trying to kill me slowly?)
7. So, Amy Winehouse died. Another casualty of addiction. It makes me sad when people can't get it, but some people can't. A family I have known since I was a teenager buried their child who was in college last week. Another casualty of addiction. (Disclaimer: I do not know if this child was an actually an addict but I do know they died of an alcohol and pill combination.) Amazing, loving, family. Do you get that? It doesn't matter how great your family is, if you are an addict you are one. Your family can't love you out of it. You have to get it and some people can not get honest enough to get it, or they die before they get a chance. Getting it to me means I can never have a mind altering substance again, for the rest of my life, or I risk dying. It also means trusting God to direct my paths and living by some simple steps. I get to choose everyday to live or die.
8. I am on the last week of my Philippians study. I love what Paul says in chapter 4 verse 9:
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
In my head Paul is saying to me, "Now that you have all of the head knowledge, DO IT. (I usually add a word along the lines of knucklehead at the end.) It's not going to do you any good if you don't apply what you have learned." I need to be reminded of this all the time. My mouth is my main problem. If I don't pause when I get angry, ugly things come out. I have a very sharp tongue and I go for the jugular if I feel wronged. I know how to hurt people with words. I hate this about myself. This is something I am constantly working on. Or should I say that I am constantly praying that God would change this about me. What really gets me is when I see my kids modeling my bad behavior and letting their mouths get them into trouble or tearing each other down. Makes my heart hurt. Lord, please help us love each other.
9. This is getting to be too deep so let's just talk about The Real Housewives of New York reunion. Wow. Bethenny got out at the perfect time. Those girls are taking crazy to a new level. Did you feel sorry for Andy? I love Andy Cohen. I even love all of the Camp by Bravo commercials. Britney Spears and all of the Bravo cast? It's my dream come true. (That statement might be pushing it or it might just make me seem pathetic. Either way, I love those commercials.)
10. So. One more week. Just knowing that it is about to come to an end helps me to appreciate what we have. A family that loves each other and is blessed to get to spend an entire month together. Now, breathe in, breathe out. (So far this is the only group shot we have.)
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