Fear

I used to think I didn't fear anything.  Anxiety? Yes.  Fear? No.  Now I know that I was wrong.  I fear a lot of things.  I fear death.  Jason, my kids, my parents.  Anyone close to me.  I don't fear dying because I rest in the assurance of my Saviour, but I fear my kids living without me.  I also fear getting old, crazy people that I see on TV, and other random things.  But the thing I have the most fear about is Jay.  I fear that people won't give him a chance to see the real Jay and that they will write him off.  Teachers, friends, parents.  I just want to tell them that he might act crazy and silly but he has a kind heart and he will show it to you if you give him some time.  Last year I knew his teacher from church.  I loved her before he had her but so much more after.  She loved him.  Did she discipline him when he needed it? Yes.  But she still loved him through his mistakes.  I don't know his teacher this year so I fear that she won't get him. Will she be able to love him good and bad?  His teacher from last year talked to his new teacher before school started.  She told me that she told her that he is a great kid and he will be a great student.  He just needs to trust you and know that you will still love him if he messes up.  Of course I cried.  So today as the fear creeps up I have stayed in prayer for Jay.  Thanking God for him and praying for this year.  Praying that his teacher will love him.  But most of all thanking God that He loves me good and bad.  That he loves me even when I mess up.  That I can trust Him.  I am so glad I serve and love a God that loves me through my mistakes and even uses them to make me more like His son.  No fear that I can screw up so bad that His love will go away.

Ten on Tuesday

1.  Packy jumped off the diving board and swam to the side yesterday.   I am so proud of my little swimmer!  It is so interesting to watch the different personalities of my children.  Jay was, and is, hard to teach. He has a fear of failure.  Packy just does it.  No fear.
2.  I am ready for school to start.  Longing for a routine.  Ready to clean the house in the morning and have it still clean until the late afternoon.
3.  My mom sent my kids back to school balloon bouquets.  The kids were so excited.
4.  I was really grumpy on Sunday.  I think I had been gone for so long I had forgotten how to relate to people.  Everyone was getting on my nerves.  I was very "me" focused.  I did some reading Sunday and realized how selfish I was.  Monday morning I started over with an attitude of service..."What can I do for someone else?"  By Monday night I felt much better.  Amazing how getting out of myself can make be a happier person.
5.  Packy has started drawing.  He drew his first person with the circle head and the legs coming out of the head.  Isn't it interesting that they all draw this way first?
6.  My cousin, who is about to go to college, took Jay and Emory to Henry Burns park for the morning.  They went to explore the creek.  I used to do this with Hope when I was their age.  It's fun for your children to grow up in the same place you did.
7.  We went bowling Saturday morning at 9am.  Guess who is at the bowling alley this early?  No one!  It was great.  Bowling is the only sport that I can actually compete with Jason.  I won.  Twice.  It felt good.  The kids had fun and no one pouted for a couple of hours.

8.  I gave Jay a spool of string the other day.  He and Packy made a giant spiderweb in their room.  It was really cool.  I let them keep it up for a couple of days.  It was really hard to clean up when I had to do it on my hands and knees.

9.  What happens when your aunt digs a giant hole in the sand and you are so little that you can fit in it and then you get stuck?  And then your mom tries to pull you out?  This is what happens....

10.  My children are screaming.  As loud as they can.  It is so time for school to start.

What I want my people to remember.

I had such a good time this year at Tybee.  I actually read a book.  The book was by Anne Rivers Siddons and her books are always set by water and involve people who have known each other their entire lives.  The plot usually involves the same people doing the same summer retreat over the course of a lifetime.  As I reflected about Tybee it started to read like a book.  Every year we go for the better part of July.  My sister brings her babies from NYC.  The menfolk come on the weekends and usually one full week.  Hope and her family come some too. 
So this is how I want my kids to read the book of their summers.  Or, what I want my people to remember.
1.  Riding waves.  I have always loved how free I feel when I am riding waves and I still do.  It's so fun to ride a good one in right beside Emory and give the hang ten sign when we make it all the way to the shore.
2.  Making drip castles.  Conventional castles are too difficult for Tybee sand but we can really rock the drip castles.  Also very therapeutic.
3.  Outside showers.  My mom has an outside shower and you are required to use it after the beach.  I love it.  Emory and Hattie go together.  Packy and I go together and sometimes we bring Josie.  I don't know why but it is fun to shower outside.  This year I took a nighttime shower.  It was a little spooky but there was a thunderstorm in the distance and the lightening was really cool to watch.
4.  Hide and seek.  I take this game very seriously.  My hiding spot is not going to be a closet that you open the door and see me.  This year I hid in the utility closet that backed up to the stairs and I went all the way back to the stairs.  It was dark and I know there were some roaches waiting for me but I waited it out.  Jay loves my good hiding.
5.  Walking to the ice cream shop.  Every trip to Tybee includes a couple of walks to Tybee Sweets.  The walk up there is usually at dusk and everyone is sticky on the walk back.  The gelato is delicious. 
6.  Bike riding.  We are experts at packing it on a bike and getting to the beach.  I hope the kids remember riding all over the island.  I love that Tybee is small enough that you can ride anywhere.  It makes going to the grocery store an adventure if you are biking.

7. Special Chu's trips.  Chu's is a store that has a little bit of everything.  Every child gets a special trip to Chu's with either a dad, uncle, grandmother, or grandad during their trip.  They usually buy a plastic toy that doesn't make it very long but the trip to Chu's makes it special.
8.  Fishing on the back river.  Pole, throwing net...it doesn't matter.  This is mainly a Jay and Packy activity with a dad or papa.  Sometimes you catch a fish, or a crab, or a sting ray.  It doesn't matter.  Catching something is catching something.  Same excitement.
9.  Sharks teeth.  The kids have not been successful at this adventure yet.  But they have Cable blood in them and I am confident they will find them  They will for sure remember the adults looking for them and the thrill we get when we find them.
10.  Parents laughing and loving each other.  We have such a good time together laughing, having game night, cooking good food, and acting like kids a lot of the time.  This year Jason and I tried to have some "us" time as well.  One night we went on a bike ride after dark to the beach and swam in the ocean.  I did not go out very far because it was scary. Then we sat in the lifeguard stand and talked while we watched people walking on the edge of the ocean.  Just us.  We told the kids what we did the next morning.  I want my kids to know that we love each other and I think they do.

So that is my Anne Rivers Siddons novel.  All of us at the beach every year.  The same friends and family.  Sometimes new people, but the core group is always there. Doing the same things.  Making new memories each time.  Life is good at Tybee.

Ten on Tuesday...in Tybee

It can't be Tuesday.  Really?  Are you sure?
1.  The kayaking trip was awesome.  My dad decided to sell his sea doo so we can buy some kayaks.  We went over to Little Tybee and explored this uninhabited island.  It was awesome.  Fiddler crabs everywhere.  Our next plan is to take the kids and camp over there.  It's a little hot now but early fall will be perfect. (Thanks Mom for the push to do something new.)
2.  The waves at Tybee have been insane.  Bigger than I have seen them here.  I love riding waves.  Really love it.  The thrill of catching a big wave and dropping as it crashes is awesome.  Growing up I went to St. Augustine and I rode waves with my cousin all day.  Riding waves now reminds me of being a kid. 
3.  I finished a book and cried in front of my kids.  My daughter understands this kind of crying because she recently watched a movie and cried.  The younger kids stared at me.  Sometimes I get too in to books.  Actually a lot of times.  I have to be careful.  I get sucked in and it takes over.  (Sort of like the music.)  Not confusing my emotions with the emotions of the book is something I have to guard against.  There have been times when I could not get out of bed because of a book.  So this book was emotional but I was able to separate my reality and the book.
4.  The men were here for a long weekend.  It's always more fun when they are here.  Kids are different when their dads are around.  It breaks my heart for kids who don't have a dad around for whatever reason. 
5.  We had Betsy's game night last week.  The Game of Things and Scattagories for the adults (both games have enough laughter and intensity to be fun) and Jenga and UNO for the kids.  We also had a Hide and Seek game with kids and adults.  Some adults.  The cool adults who like to play.  I really got in to the hiding.  Scrunching myself in to a tiny shelf in my mom's closet and risking roaches in the utility closet.  I would say that I won.
6.  It is really hot.  117 degree heat index today.  Hot.
7.  One good thing about Tybee is the back river.  When the beach is really crowded we go to the back river.  It is sort of like going to a lake that happens to have a strong current.  Jay likes to take a net and catch things to put in his fishing bucket.  Last week he caught a baby puffer fish.  It was so cool. (Jay did a school project on puffer fish a couple of years ago and we have had one hanging in our kitchen ever since.)
8.  My dad is really good at finding sharks teeth.  He has a bowl with hundreds of them that he has collected over the years.  I can find them too.  I found 2 on Sunday.  (Jason found one too.  He is so good at random stuff.  Remember?)  I think it makes my dad proud that I am good at finding them too.  People say that not only do I look like my dad but that my personality is like his as well. In some ways. 

9.  My favorite kind of ice cream is chocolate and peanut butter.  My brother in law loves to eat. He hates germs. In order to save my ice cream...

It worked.

10.  My very first best friend was Hope.  The other day we watched some of the home movies that we had converted from film to VHS and there was Hope.  We were little kids playing in the snow and sticking our tongues out at the camera.  The fun part was showing that to Emory because her best friend is Hope's daughter, Lola Grace.  Hope's mom has a house at Tybee and that's why my mom is here.  Three generations of best friends.  Spending summers at the beach.  Does it get any better?

Ten on Tuesday... in Tybee

1. Emory has gone from not riding a bike at all to riding all over Tybee.  You can get anywhere on Tybee by bike so it is very helpful to upgrade her from a scooter or being pulled to being a full rider.  When we go to the beach we put chairs on our backs and babies in bike carriers and then pile all of the beach stuff on top of the babies.  It makes it so much easier to not have to park a car and it's not that far.  Emory is now riding to the beach or grocery store or wherever I go. 
2.  Jason and I went white water rafting last weekend with the alumni group from my treatment center.  It is such a fun group.  The water was freezing and our guide had fun guessing how we all knew each other (35 people). (Before we told him he had offered us weed, Crown Royal, "happy pills" and moonshine.  "No thanks.  We've all had enough.") We had good food, a nice hot tub, an awesome cabin, and some insane Tennessee fireworks.  The stories you hear around the fire with this group are always entertaining.
3.  This is Packy and my song:

I have a special Packy.

I keep him in my pocket.

And when I want to kiss him.

I take him out and kiss him. (or eat him, or moody him, or whatever I want to him)

4.  I love making drip castles. 
5.  We have an outside shower at Tybee. I love being outside and showering. 
6.  On Friday we are kayaking to little Tybee.  It's a half day trip.  No kids.   
7.  I love back to school shopping.  New uniforms, new backpacks, new tennis shoes. 
8.  It's a lot harder to make a list of 10 things every week then you might think. 
9.  Emory and Jay just got their class assignments.  Emory was separated from her two best friends.  She likes all of the girls in her new class and knows she will see her old friends on the playground.  I hate when they take stuff better than I do.  I know God has a plan and His will is better and bigger than mine but I was upset over the class list?   I am excited about this new year and can't wait for Em to get to know some more girls.
10.  Things that make me laugh on YouTube:  double rainbow guy, flip flop guy, and the donkey parasailing in Russia.

I feel music.

"Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him."  Sidney Deane, White Men can't Jump


I like music.  I appreciate music.  But most of all I feel music.  You either do or you don't.  I think lots of people like music and consider themselves a "music lover" and I think they do, but I don't think everyone feels music.  Deep down in your body.  Speaks to your soul.  Connects you in way that your body can't deny.  My life has centered around music since I can remember. Every kind... from bluegrass to show tunes to hymns to rock to pop.  All of it.  Concerts have always been very important to me too.  Not because I want to be seen at a concert or look at it as an event but because live music is heaven.  Some people feel music but their spouse doesn't.  I would not have married someone who didn't feel the same way about music as I do.  It's that important.  I think this is something you are born with.  Liking and appreciating music can be learned but feeling music can not.  When I got sober I was scared that I wasn't going to get to feel music like I used to. Really scared. This was such a big part of my life and I didn't want to lose it. The reality is I don't feel music like I use to.  Not like I use to because I wasn't sober before at any concert that I can remember.  And there are a lot I don't remember.  But, I do still feel it.  I still want to dance and it still moves me. Being this connected can be good and bad.  There are plenty of songs that remind me of the "dark time" in my life.  I can't listen to them.  One time a song came on the radio and I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs.  I had to turn it.  So while I still get to enjoy music I also have to guard myself because it is so personal. I love that God gave us music.  He didn't have to.  He didn't have to give us the details that make life special but He did.  He loves to see His children enjoying His creation.  He even made music one of the main ways we can worship Him.  He likes music that much.  Awesome.

I will sing and make music to the Lord.  Psalm 27:6

Ten on Tuesday...in Tybee

1.  We just rolled in to Tybee for the month.  All of the girls and all of the kids.  Everyone survived the trip down. 
2.  A DVD player is a must for me for this trip.  I don't have a car with a built in DVD but for my own sanity I travel with one.  Jay and Emory watched Robots and Bolt.  Packy watched about half of Finding Nemo.
3.  I listened to Jack Johnson and Coldplay.  These are relaxing CDs for me as I drive with 3 kids.  Plus, Chris Martin sings to me.
4.  Right now Betsy is asking all of the kids what they want to do this summer and writing it down on a master sheet. So far we have ride bikes, learn to swim, whipped cream fight, make a picture frame, water balloon fight, finish a quilt....  She always has high expectations for summer vacation.  Lots of learning. (See #6.  I feel the same way Betsy does right now around Memorial Day.)
5.  One of my secrets is that someone is pregnant and it's not me.  Yea!
6.  The summer is half way over and I am right where I usually am.  The "plans" I made have been thrown out the window.  I am back to waking up and figuring out what the day is going to bring.  This is not how I like to operate. I like a plan.  It makes me feel in control.  Of course I am not in control of anything.  I do not have the whole wide world in my hands, someone else does. 
7.  It's hard to write this when I am trying to watch the series finale of The Hills.  Stephanie Pratt just had the most ridiculous conversation about not drinking after she ordered a Pepsi at a bar.  So dumb.  I guess the writer couldn't find a more natural way to discuss addiction.  Lame. This is getting more painful by the second. ("I think I'm going to get out of here and move to Europe."  "Europe?  Do you know anybody out there?"  Out there?  These people are so dumb.)
8.  I do not try to hide my bad TV watching.  The Real Housewives of "Anywhere"?  I'll watch it.  Not in one sitting but Bravo gives me so many chances to watch.  I really can't wait for the new season of Rachel Zoe.  I die.
9.   The other night we were hanging out with my my family on my Mom's patio.  Jay was sitting with the adults talking.  I saw a glimpse of him just being him.  Relaxed and not "on".  Not trying to impress or make anyone laugh.  Just being Jay.  When Jason and I were talking about it later that night it made me cry.  It is so rare to see him comfortable being himself.  
10.  This same patio night my family started a conversation about what blood type everyone was.  This progressed to who can roll their tongue and who can flip their tongue over.  And from there we started with the weirdness.  Mainly Jason and Lee.  Jason has these "wings" that he pops out of his back and he can clap with one hand (Jay can do the one handed clap).  Lee can pick his nose with his tongue.  Really.  And with that I have nothing more to say.
OK- so the last 5 seconds of The Hills was the best.